Molly's heart raced over and over again.
Bright lights danced before her wide open eyes.
Too many colors to see.
The bodies moved with synchronized beats of sound.
All too loud to hear.
She thought she could feel.
She thought she would know.
It was as if nothing could touch her.
Nothing was allowed.
Salt water nipped at her lips before slipping away.
They ran faster and faster.
Before she realized they flowed.
Movements jolted.
Memories suppressed.
She tried and found out she could not.
Her heart rate ran cold.
Her eyes squeezed shut.
And her mouth opened.
The intake was more excruciating than the last.
There was no stopping the new waves.
Have you ever felt nothing? Have you ever felt like you couldn't breathe, see, touch, taste, know, hear, move anything? It's like you're floating. Almost, but not. It's like all connections have been lost. All ties have been cut. Like things are familiar and at the same time no longer associated with you. You wait. And you wait. Because it's the biggest shock. What is? That the pain doesn't come. And that you want it to. Because without it you don't feel alive. You don't feel at all. You can't. The nothing doesn't allow you to. Slowly, very slowly the nothing allows things to return. Breathing is usually first. But you don't realize it for some time that you've been inhaling and exhaling so shallowly. Then your senses return. Touch, taste, sound, scent, sight. Again you don't realize how the little things are coming back. That those lights are coming into focus. That when you breathe it isn't just air. That the buzzing you hear is getting louder. That your mouth is dry. That you're gripping so tightly something is going to break. But even then you can't do anything about any of it. Your body won't move. Your lungs work, but you can't scream. Your heart races, but you can't let go. It seems like nothing is working. But it's just an illusion. Nothing has had you tricked with the worst of it all. And you didn't even know. When you start to move it's like learning everything over again. Walking becomes one of your most challenging obstacles. Besides talking. That's usually the second to last thing nothing gives back to you. You're mind. Nothing stops you from thinking then opens the flood gates it has closed so easily. Oh, the last thing? Right, the last thing nothing gives back to you is inside. Your pain. Once nothing gives back your thoughts and you are consumed, nothing with drop the knives in the most devastating places. And the pain will send you on a frantic search. To do what? To stop it. When it knows you cannot. Nothing is the most cruel, sadistic, and every bad word known to man. And nothing knows it. Nothing likes it. Nothing wants it. Feeds off it. Lives for it. Nothing wants to keep you alive so it can stay alive. If I kill what nothing wants, do I kill nothing? Yes. Yes, you will kill nothing if you kill what sustains it. But once you've killed nothing, you are nothing as well. It is the most intense lose-lose situation there was, is, and will be. Nothing doesn't want to die. Nothing doesn't need to die. Nothing needs to be controlled. Nothing needs to be tamed. Nothing needs to be scared. Nothing needs to be overpowered. Nothing lives for you. But the question is: do you live for nothing?
*Please if you need help, if you are feeling this nothing, you need to know that there are people that will be there for you. That can take away the nothing. They can make you stronger than the nothing. You may not think that you want it, but there is a part of you, no matter how small, that yearns to stand up to the nothing. That calls for these people as the nothing tries to suppress it. If you want to take a hold of this feeling, this part of you, those people that it calls for will help you. The first thing you have to do is let that part of you step out from behind nothing's shadow. Take the first brick down. You may not think you know how, but you're not giving yourself enough credit. Take the second brick down. They're going to be heavy. Believe me. But that part of you that calls will be able to breathe. To expand. To scream. So keep going. Those people that can help, what will help, that know how to help, will be there. Helping you take those bricks down. Give you time to rest. And heal. But you need to take the first one down. The light behind your eyes will dim and allow you to see what's ahead of you. These people may not be ahead of you just yet. But you won't know that until you can see. And yes, you might be working those bricks for a while on your own. But the work will make you strong. And things will get clearer. You have to have patience. And persistence. You will find things out about yourself that no one ever knew. And somethings that you didn't either. It will be the best and the worst experience of your life. Your hard work will pay off. Your weakness will become strength. And you will realize that there was a purpose for it all.
